Left.

She left. The first memory my mind holds is noticeably cold. Years spent longing for the affection she should give. Years spent trying to hide all the parts that she hated. I knew how different I was to her. I could see it every time she looked at me. Her eyes cold and indifferent. There was no comfort. When sickness overtook my body I was left alone. When tears of pain and sadness poured from my eyes her voice mocked and shamed. When my child sized hands held prizes earned her indifference was noted and held onto tightly by my heart. The times that I handed over the things I so proudly accomplished were met time after time with the heartbreaking silence broke my heart until it shattered. She was always there but she left me. I cry now wishing I knew why. Wishing I could have been the one she wanted. Wishing I wasn't the one that was different. I used to think she was just incapable of love but she loved them. I covered my eyes to hide the truth that it was me she didn't want. She made the choices right in front of me. She applauded them. She comforted them. She went to them. She left me. I am broken by it. By her unwillingness to see me. Scared so deeply that I have been broken beyond earthly repair. I carry the burden she put on me and will never escape it. Desperately I sought out her love and approval but honestly so broken before I reached double digits that I had turned cold. It's a sad thing to look in a mirror by 10 and know that you aren't loved. Seeing the cold and empty soul starring back at you. She left me but she left me long before the moment I never saw her again. An orphan that world couldn't justify. Heart torn apart every time I saw another person loved. It's a sad thing to know that love is what breaks a person. It's a sad thing that the simplest of affections makes me cringe because I never knew it as a child.

All these years later I'm still alone. Saved completely and loved desperately but alone. An orphan that doesn't fit. The one that was never chosen by the one that should have picked me first. The pain always there. It won't heal. Somedays it just won't hurt as bad. Other days the pain so raw it will crush me into pieces. Tears will stain my face. Forced into a curled up ball because the sadness is too much to bear alone. But no one can take the pain away. She left me. She marked me as unwanted and tore apart my soul so that no one would ever be able to fix it. Doomed to walk this world as a lost child. The only sweetness coming from the only place I ever been safe, the foot of the Cross. Where my savior was left alone and broken. The only place where there exists a chance for hope. That's my sweet redemption. That He never left. He stood there every time she turned away. Each time she broke me He caught me. Every time my heart was the causality of her games and her cold eyes told me the truth of how unwanted I was, He was there holding me together. Still He saves me and is the one there. Offering grace. Offering hope.

He is the place inside where my truest form exists. The only one that has seen how broken I am. How deep the damage is into my soul. He can see it all. He is broken with me.

She left me. Alone. Broken. Tore apart.
He came to me. Forgiven. Loved. Made new.

Only He and I know the words to the song left in my heart. Only He and I can see the pictures painted in my mind. Only He and I can read the words written across my soul. Only Him and me.