Battle.

It's done. Over. You are good. You are right. This is broken. It's not the end I wanted. It's not what I thought I was fighting for. I feel sick and broken. Confused. Blood covering me from the battle. Wounded so deeply this will now shape my heart. A calloused heart cursed by hope, Your hope. Your perfection. I'm so tired of it all. The assumptions put in my feelings. The broken pieces my hands are so desperately holding onto; wanting to put it back together. The pieces shatter more and cut my already bleeding hands. Left on the battlefield. We lost. I lost my home. I lost my place. I lost my very thoughts. The fog that came in surrounding me is now so thick I can't breathe. This fog is more like smoke choking me. I look around to see the destruction. Fallen soldiers. Broken hearts. Betrayers that grin smugly. The enemy seems to gloat with pride. But you remind me that you won. The war isn't up for grabs. The final peace is decided. I have given everything for this fight. I have never given more. You have never taken more. The pain hurts so bad that I feel like throwing up. Disgusted by sin and the rejoicing men take in it. The pride that swells when other feel like they have won. You asked me if I would be made a fool for you. If all I stood for was to watch something die would I still stand for you? Could I follow you as I was abandoned more and more? Could I not run away? Could I be your fool? I said yes. I wish I had said no. It wouldn't hurt this bad if I had said no. If I had known it would hurt this much I would have said no. I don't want this. I keep asking you to make this all a dream but the reality of it crashed into my soul. A forgotten lone solider. Defeated and alone. Crying out to her savior to take away this pain. Left only with the broken fragments in her grasp. That solider is me. All my fears you keep confirming. Twisting me up and letting me fall apart. Shining lights through all those cracks. But I'm tired of breaking. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired. I can't take anymore steps. I don't have any fight left. I don't want to watch them take away my home piece by piece. I don't care if it's stronger afterward. I don't care. I just want it back God. God, why did you allow this?! WHY?! The stench of lose is too great to handle. Turning my stomach upside down. It's just you and me again Lord. Face to face. You taking me apart, using my splintered parts and sharp edges. Hope that is foreign to my mouth is all I have again. Grace that I can't claim is the only thing I have. Reminded again that my only home is at the foot of the cross. Many more battles will rage. I will break more and more. You will use all the parts of me. I will be alone because that's where you and I meet. I will feel your joy because you are good. Right now though, right now I will fall down and cry because my heart break and all that's left in this broken girl is a tired worn solider. Your glory will reign while mine falls away.

wait.

wait. hold on. my heart screaming for this all to slow down. it cant be this. this cant be the end. heartbreaking. tears streaming down my face. hands shaking with unease. wait. cant we change it? cant you let us have one more day? cant you stop this? the frantic panic of fear is setting in. like how the fog rolls in and covers all our eyes can see. we wait. broken and sad. alone but bound together by some unseen hands. can i just have one more day? can i just have one more moment? why? the question so small but all consuming. every moment covered in the why. no answers seem to fit. no answers seem to make it ok. everything seems so divided, everyone seems so divided. you are unmoved and unchanged. you are not surpised. you werent shocked. i am. how do i go forward? thats been your call....forward. how? wait. cant we fix this? cant we have a different end? what was all the fight for if this was the end? is it all for nothing more than broken hearts and broken people? i cant move. my flesh is stinging. my heart is shattered. my soul is crying out. my eyes are filled with tears. i cant go forward anymore. i fall to the ground, the weight is too much. the only words that come are "please wait." you could make this stop. you could do it. but you didnt. so i wait. i cant stop this pain that is oozing out of the people i love; out of myself. like a bullet that pierced my heart. i cant make it stop. i cant protect the others. i cant change this. i cant see the grace that you offer. i cant find your sweetness in this. all i taste is the disgusting pride that would tear a man down. that wait for the weak to fall. vultures that circle now wanting to tear at our scared felsh. i dont see you. where are you? why didnt you step in? why didnt you stop this destruction? wait. i cant wait because im falling apart. piece by piece being torn apart more and more. stop telling me to wait! stop telling me of your faithfulness! stop letting this hurt! all thats left is the carnage left on a wake of sin. i saw it! i saw the beauty and hope! the foundations being built on you. allowed to be torn down by those hungry dogs thirsty for the blood of our souls. they anxiously awaited this day. you let them have it. why? why? im empty. im lost out in the wilderness, bleeding out. unsure of who is friend and who is foe. crying out but left to bleed. wait. thats the only word you have given. wait. there is no other choice. there are no words. there is nothing but you and me. me laying on the cold stone ground, broken apart looking up towards the sky longing for hope to return. you standing firm, saving me with unknown grace that attacks my soul. waiting for the pain to leave. waiting for the answers to come. waiting for more than the words of wait. spent and empty. angry and confused. sad and lost. only making through the knowledge that you knew. so i wait.