Battle.

It's done. Over. You are good. You are right. This is broken. It's not the end I wanted. It's not what I thought I was fighting for. I feel sick and broken. Confused. Blood covering me from the battle. Wounded so deeply this will now shape my heart. A calloused heart cursed by hope, Your hope. Your perfection. I'm so tired of it all. The assumptions put in my feelings. The broken pieces my hands are so desperately holding onto; wanting to put it back together. The pieces shatter more and cut my already bleeding hands. Left on the battlefield. We lost. I lost my home. I lost my place. I lost my very thoughts. The fog that came in surrounding me is now so thick I can't breathe. This fog is more like smoke choking me. I look around to see the destruction. Fallen soldiers. Broken hearts. Betrayers that grin smugly. The enemy seems to gloat with pride. But you remind me that you won. The war isn't up for grabs. The final peace is decided. I have given everything for this fight. I have never given more. You have never taken more. The pain hurts so bad that I feel like throwing up. Disgusted by sin and the rejoicing men take in it. The pride that swells when other feel like they have won. You asked me if I would be made a fool for you. If all I stood for was to watch something die would I still stand for you? Could I follow you as I was abandoned more and more? Could I not run away? Could I be your fool? I said yes. I wish I had said no. It wouldn't hurt this bad if I had said no. If I had known it would hurt this much I would have said no. I don't want this. I keep asking you to make this all a dream but the reality of it crashed into my soul. A forgotten lone solider. Defeated and alone. Crying out to her savior to take away this pain. Left only with the broken fragments in her grasp. That solider is me. All my fears you keep confirming. Twisting me up and letting me fall apart. Shining lights through all those cracks. But I'm tired of breaking. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired. I can't take anymore steps. I don't have any fight left. I don't want to watch them take away my home piece by piece. I don't care if it's stronger afterward. I don't care. I just want it back God. God, why did you allow this?! WHY?! The stench of lose is too great to handle. Turning my stomach upside down. It's just you and me again Lord. Face to face. You taking me apart, using my splintered parts and sharp edges. Hope that is foreign to my mouth is all I have again. Grace that I can't claim is the only thing I have. Reminded again that my only home is at the foot of the cross. Many more battles will rage. I will break more and more. You will use all the parts of me. I will be alone because that's where you and I meet. I will feel your joy because you are good. Right now though, right now I will fall down and cry because my heart break and all that's left in this broken girl is a tired worn solider. Your glory will reign while mine falls away.