Price.

The price was already paid. It was enough. It covered everything. It protected the world. It should satisfy my soul but here I am closer to you then I have ever been and more alone then ever. Treated as an unruly child by the ones I thought I were fighting with me, now form their own team. Placating me with half spoken words and distant eyes. Using my loneliness to tear me down more. I've experienced this before. I've been marked before. I thought I could wash that mark off but it is my calling card. The unstable, crazy, too emotional, too much, too broken girl. Socially awkward and if they were honest not worth their time. Treated like "special china" brought out and used when needed but locked away and forgotten all the other days.

How often they praised and celebrated this in me but they can't see the deep hurt it causes, every single time. Shouldn't the price paid cover all this? None of it is what I expected.  It seems I would have been better suited to exist alone because really isn't that how I exist now? Alone but trapped by the illusions that I am not alone. Offered a piece of family and hope only to have it ripped from my hands. Then taunted by the ones holding that prize. "You're too cold" "You don't show enough feelings" "You show too many feelings" "You can't be trusted" "You can't handle it" "You're too broken" "You don't have the right skills" Always picked last. Never wanted as part of the team. Sitting just on the outside of it all.

Why is the price paid not covering this pain? Shouldn't I stand firm on you? Holding fast to the never ending hope offered. Loudly proclaiming that  all I need is you? I wonder if people that shout of those graces ever truly only had you? Have they felt this deep loneliness that makes someone fear the next day? Have they been tainted by true darkness that knows their most personal names. Have they spent hours crying only to be told their tears don't count as much? Have they actually lost all that was special and dear to them? Left with the coldness that comes from having the ones that claim their love for you turn their backs on you because your brand of pain is too confusing? I doubt it. Because when it's just you and me, Jesus, it's really just you and me.

The only solace is the lonely place in my heart because it's the only place that's real. The deepest level of isolation brought on by your hand. I was naive to believe that this part of me would vanish. It can't vanish because it's the only part of me you use. You humble me daily with the reminder that in my most desperate of times and broken places I will stand alone on this earth to learn how to stand in front of you. How desperately I wish for any other gift. What good is the lesson of being this alone? To look into eyes and always see the same reluctant pity. The same pulling away, To be smacked again in the face with the reminder that each time someone had to choose it wasn't me they picked.

The price paid said you picked me and that is all I need. What happens to the ones you offer that truth too. The ones that can't be understood. The ones that see past the smile and know the thoughts that are behind it. How do those of us that you have made real the cost survive? Because the pain is just getting more and more unbearable. Crushing me down. Separating me more and more.

The perfect price paid is enough to sustain me, save me, and give me grace. But the truth of this world is that nothing will truly heal me on this earth. Few will breathe these painful breaths. Many will assume they know but most will abandoned or leave. I only stand protected with you at the foot of the cross. Anywhere else the cold stinging pain will overtake. The truth of how alone I am will swallow me. All the days this ache will be there. The truth of how alone I am is my saving grace and reminder of your mercies made new. You allow my heart to be crushed and pain to eat away at my heart so that I can see you better. So that I can understand the cost of that price paid.