Tree.

There is a girl that sits by a tree. She sits so close that it's hard to see her end and the trees beginning. The tree is large and beautiful, casting it's shade and protection over all this girl can see. The leaves are a constant shimmering golden orange. The roots go deep into the soil, attached to something so deep that her simple hands can't reach them. This tree keeps her safe. This is where she rests. Her only sanctuary. Then the winds come. Slowly and then all at once the leaves fall away and the harsh true reality hits her face. No longer shielded from the onslaught from the world. It now attacks her very being. 

This cycle isn't a new one. She has seen the leaves die and fly away before. The next moments make her shake. The darkness starts to edge towards her. It creeps along like the long cold fingers of the night. Teasing her with the vastness it holds and the wind whispering the names her heart carries that only she has known. The darkness covers everything her eyes can see. It covers as far as she can reach. Her precious tree no longer feels safe but she has nowhere else to go. This tree is the only place she can exist. For as long as this tree exist so will she but the tree isn't keeping her from the terror of the darkness. It's letting the terror come upon her. It's all that is left. Darkness. Unending it seems but she knows, she knows the shimmering golden orange leaves will return. 

She knows that sweetness of safety will come back. The tree can't leave her. It is always at her back holding her up but she is covered in darkness and the hope that the protection will come back can't save her from the fear. She is bound to her tree and her tree is bound to her. She will sit and wait. Digging her fingers into the bark and trying to grasp safety she can't have. As much as she shakes her tree never does. In the darkest of moments and loudest howling winds, her tree stands firm. The deep roots holding fast. She cannot force the change of moments. Her power and might cannot make the darkness fall back. Her hope and faith cannot make the beautiful orange leaves return.

So she waits and sits bound as deeply to this tree as this tree is to the ground. She is a girl hiding in the depths of this beautiful tree, covered in a terrifying darkness but always sitting at the foot of the tree.

Price.

The price was already paid. It was enough. It covered everything. It protected the world. It should satisfy my soul but here I am closer to you then I have ever been and more alone then ever. Treated as an unruly child by the ones I thought I were fighting with me, now form their own team. Placating me with half spoken words and distant eyes. Using my loneliness to tear me down more. I've experienced this before. I've been marked before. I thought I could wash that mark off but it is my calling card. The unstable, crazy, too emotional, too much, too broken girl. Socially awkward and if they were honest not worth their time. Treated like "special china" brought out and used when needed but locked away and forgotten all the other days.

How often they praised and celebrated this in me but they can't see the deep hurt it causes, every single time. Shouldn't the price paid cover all this? None of it is what I expected.  It seems I would have been better suited to exist alone because really isn't that how I exist now? Alone but trapped by the illusions that I am not alone. Offered a piece of family and hope only to have it ripped from my hands. Then taunted by the ones holding that prize. "You're too cold" "You don't show enough feelings" "You show too many feelings" "You can't be trusted" "You can't handle it" "You're too broken" "You don't have the right skills" Always picked last. Never wanted as part of the team. Sitting just on the outside of it all.

Why is the price paid not covering this pain? Shouldn't I stand firm on you? Holding fast to the never ending hope offered. Loudly proclaiming that  all I need is you? I wonder if people that shout of those graces ever truly only had you? Have they felt this deep loneliness that makes someone fear the next day? Have they been tainted by true darkness that knows their most personal names. Have they spent hours crying only to be told their tears don't count as much? Have they actually lost all that was special and dear to them? Left with the coldness that comes from having the ones that claim their love for you turn their backs on you because your brand of pain is too confusing? I doubt it. Because when it's just you and me, Jesus, it's really just you and me.

The only solace is the lonely place in my heart because it's the only place that's real. The deepest level of isolation brought on by your hand. I was naive to believe that this part of me would vanish. It can't vanish because it's the only part of me you use. You humble me daily with the reminder that in my most desperate of times and broken places I will stand alone on this earth to learn how to stand in front of you. How desperately I wish for any other gift. What good is the lesson of being this alone? To look into eyes and always see the same reluctant pity. The same pulling away, To be smacked again in the face with the reminder that each time someone had to choose it wasn't me they picked.

The price paid said you picked me and that is all I need. What happens to the ones you offer that truth too. The ones that can't be understood. The ones that see past the smile and know the thoughts that are behind it. How do those of us that you have made real the cost survive? Because the pain is just getting more and more unbearable. Crushing me down. Separating me more and more.

The perfect price paid is enough to sustain me, save me, and give me grace. But the truth of this world is that nothing will truly heal me on this earth. Few will breathe these painful breaths. Many will assume they know but most will abandoned or leave. I only stand protected with you at the foot of the cross. Anywhere else the cold stinging pain will overtake. The truth of how alone I am will swallow me. All the days this ache will be there. The truth of how alone I am is my saving grace and reminder of your mercies made new. You allow my heart to be crushed and pain to eat away at my heart so that I can see you better. So that I can understand the cost of that price paid.

Ghost.

She seeks her solace in the comfort of the hard shower floor. There her tears are safe. Trapped and covered by the hot flowing water. Confined by the small space and allowed to exist and feel. She ceases to exist the second she leaves it. She becomes a ghost again. Unable to be. Unable to truly be a part of the world. Floating through these days. Never fully attached. A bothersome nuisance; unwanted but unable to disappear. Trapped here by an unseen hand.

 They hear her cries and wails. They see the destruction of her pain. They turn away though unsure of how to handle this creation. Little do they know how it was them that created this ghost. This former version of herself. Hallowed out and emptied of everything that had held her down. 

Her existence now floating about and breaking about and breaking off the last of her old self. A new creation but still attached to this world but cast out by it. Their eyes stare right through her. She once existed so strong and her feet held tight to the sturdy ground. She once had purpose and a path. 

She once existed.

 Now she can even see through herself. She can see the inner parts of herself and doesn't like what she sees. The ugly hate filled parts. The self that she relies on to protect her own heart. The deep cut of cynicism that allows her to escape. For her the weights of the world hold her here and break her apart. The constant attack on her mind and heart kills her. 

No one on this earth can help her. No one here can see the damage. The people around her only know she exists but don't understand where she belongs. So they pass her by, concerned by her cries, fearful of her wailing, and unaware of how deep her pain is. It's a cruel and wary place to exist. To be the ghost of herself.

 How can this be? How can she have come so far from where she started only to fall back to where she had begun? She had been a ghost before. She had been made whole and complete. Filled to overflowing and solid. The anger of how she is again here shakes her. Why would this girl be given a taste of freedom if the plan was to put her shackles back on? Why would she be made part of this world if the plan was to strip her of it? 

This seems like the purpose of her life. The constant temptation of earthly comforts to be met with the delusion of false hope. Met firmly in the heart with the reality of how broken it all is. Forced to see it, taste it, and hear it. Unable to touch it or exist in it. 

Marked by her Savior as one that can't exist here but attached to this world. 

What will become of this forgotten and alone ghost? This is where she will always be because it is where she has always been. Seeking her solace in the moments she can escape. Finding it only when she is alone. On the cold floors and tiny spaces of this world so that her empty self can find pieces of hope and freedom.

She is a ghost. Untouchable. Her fate already sealed, promised, and delivered. She will take these steps alone. Floating through the broken paths and cut up roads. Feeling the pains and dying each day. Saved though by her ghost like existence because that's who she was made to be. Saved in her drowning pain and met by the Savior in the tears and loneliness. 

She is a ghost but she attached to His hand.

Piece.

All the words are jumbled up. The feelings beginning and ending together. The tears flow from deep within. From a place I cannot name and do not know. 

This place inside me crawls out of my deepest parts. The place that I fall apart alone with you. Where only you can see me. The softest part of my heart and mind exist. The place where I am my most weak. Where your voice is the only one I hear. This is the place I die. Every day. The only place you can save me. 

I've spent every moment of my life hiding this place. Only to have you rip me apart and expose it. You use it for your glory. My pride a causality of this fight. That's why I am so mad, isn't it? You took me apart, in front of others, let them see a part of this place inside. 

I spent years protecting it, a lifetime. Perfectly cultivating how much I would show. 

Then you and I crashed into each other. You tore me open so I stood without cover. I thought it was for a certain path or reason but that path is now closed. Now that girl is gone. That child that could hide as easily as she could breathe no longer controls me.

You exposed the liar in me and replaced it with Truth. But for what? That's the part that is burning me with anger. Little specks of indifference growing. The black cut across my heart scrabbling to gain more territory. That person that died frantically trying to rise because my mind is convinced you did this, out of spite. 

Built me up to let me fall. After all isn't that what all of this is worth? No one left on my team. No one left to stand beside me. Each day, week, and month I have lost more and more. The stability I am positive you allowed and created now broken and in shambles. 

Is this a game? Was it all for your amusement? Did you enjoy my falling apart? The blood poured out and the unending tears? Was it worth it? 

Blindsided by the destruction and left grasping at the edges of everything that was safe. Everything that was home. More and more, taken and gone. I have lost so much through my years but more you 

take. More you ask me to give. 

The broken up hands that hold on so desperately are trying to hold onto anything I can grasp, still you ask for more.
"Uncurl your hands child. Let me have that piece too." 
I can't give it up. I can't loose this piece, Jesus. Let me keep this one. Even as it burns into my flesh and scars my hands because it is no longer mine I don't let go. 

You stand before me with outreached hands expectantly waiting. This impasse between you and me doesn't seem to be ending. I'm just falling apart more and more. Being mocked by own voices. The mirror I stand before and battle my demons. The demons are my own words. 

I can't let go of this piece because this piece is me, God.  It's me your asking to take. Round and round we go. Circling around until we come to this place again. My hands covered in blood from my wounds. Your hands waiting patiently. Jesus I don't know if I can let go. I don't know if I can give up this piece.

 All these tears and pains but no relief. All that is left is the pain. 

You, me, and the pain.

Battle.

It's done. Over. You are good. You are right. This is broken. It's not the end I wanted. It's not what I thought I was fighting for. I feel sick and broken. Confused. Blood covering me from the battle. Wounded so deeply this will now shape my heart. A calloused heart cursed by hope, Your hope. Your perfection. I'm so tired of it all. The assumptions put in my feelings. The broken pieces my hands are so desperately holding onto; wanting to put it back together. The pieces shatter more and cut my already bleeding hands. Left on the battlefield. We lost. I lost my home. I lost my place. I lost my very thoughts. The fog that came in surrounding me is now so thick I can't breathe. This fog is more like smoke choking me. I look around to see the destruction. Fallen soldiers. Broken hearts. Betrayers that grin smugly. The enemy seems to gloat with pride. But you remind me that you won. The war isn't up for grabs. The final peace is decided. I have given everything for this fight. I have never given more. You have never taken more. The pain hurts so bad that I feel like throwing up. Disgusted by sin and the rejoicing men take in it. The pride that swells when other feel like they have won. You asked me if I would be made a fool for you. If all I stood for was to watch something die would I still stand for you? Could I follow you as I was abandoned more and more? Could I not run away? Could I be your fool? I said yes. I wish I had said no. It wouldn't hurt this bad if I had said no. If I had known it would hurt this much I would have said no. I don't want this. I keep asking you to make this all a dream but the reality of it crashed into my soul. A forgotten lone solider. Defeated and alone. Crying out to her savior to take away this pain. Left only with the broken fragments in her grasp. That solider is me. All my fears you keep confirming. Twisting me up and letting me fall apart. Shining lights through all those cracks. But I'm tired of breaking. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired. I can't take anymore steps. I don't have any fight left. I don't want to watch them take away my home piece by piece. I don't care if it's stronger afterward. I don't care. I just want it back God. God, why did you allow this?! WHY?! The stench of lose is too great to handle. Turning my stomach upside down. It's just you and me again Lord. Face to face. You taking me apart, using my splintered parts and sharp edges. Hope that is foreign to my mouth is all I have again. Grace that I can't claim is the only thing I have. Reminded again that my only home is at the foot of the cross. Many more battles will rage. I will break more and more. You will use all the parts of me. I will be alone because that's where you and I meet. I will feel your joy because you are good. Right now though, right now I will fall down and cry because my heart break and all that's left in this broken girl is a tired worn solider. Your glory will reign while mine falls away.

wait.

wait. hold on. my heart screaming for this all to slow down. it cant be this. this cant be the end. heartbreaking. tears streaming down my face. hands shaking with unease. wait. cant we change it? cant you let us have one more day? cant you stop this? the frantic panic of fear is setting in. like how the fog rolls in and covers all our eyes can see. we wait. broken and sad. alone but bound together by some unseen hands. can i just have one more day? can i just have one more moment? why? the question so small but all consuming. every moment covered in the why. no answers seem to fit. no answers seem to make it ok. everything seems so divided, everyone seems so divided. you are unmoved and unchanged. you are not surpised. you werent shocked. i am. how do i go forward? thats been your call....forward. how? wait. cant we fix this? cant we have a different end? what was all the fight for if this was the end? is it all for nothing more than broken hearts and broken people? i cant move. my flesh is stinging. my heart is shattered. my soul is crying out. my eyes are filled with tears. i cant go forward anymore. i fall to the ground, the weight is too much. the only words that come are "please wait." you could make this stop. you could do it. but you didnt. so i wait. i cant stop this pain that is oozing out of the people i love; out of myself. like a bullet that pierced my heart. i cant make it stop. i cant protect the others. i cant change this. i cant see the grace that you offer. i cant find your sweetness in this. all i taste is the disgusting pride that would tear a man down. that wait for the weak to fall. vultures that circle now wanting to tear at our scared felsh. i dont see you. where are you? why didnt you step in? why didnt you stop this destruction? wait. i cant wait because im falling apart. piece by piece being torn apart more and more. stop telling me to wait! stop telling me of your faithfulness! stop letting this hurt! all thats left is the carnage left on a wake of sin. i saw it! i saw the beauty and hope! the foundations being built on you. allowed to be torn down by those hungry dogs thirsty for the blood of our souls. they anxiously awaited this day. you let them have it. why? why? im empty. im lost out in the wilderness, bleeding out. unsure of who is friend and who is foe. crying out but left to bleed. wait. thats the only word you have given. wait. there is no other choice. there are no words. there is nothing but you and me. me laying on the cold stone ground, broken apart looking up towards the sky longing for hope to return. you standing firm, saving me with unknown grace that attacks my soul. waiting for the pain to leave. waiting for the answers to come. waiting for more than the words of wait. spent and empty. angry and confused. sad and lost. only making through the knowledge that you knew. so i wait.

Left.

She left. The first memory my mind holds is noticeably cold. Years spent longing for the affection she should give. Years spent trying to hide all the parts that she hated. I knew how different I was to her. I could see it every time she looked at me. Her eyes cold and indifferent. There was no comfort. When sickness overtook my body I was left alone. When tears of pain and sadness poured from my eyes her voice mocked and shamed. When my child sized hands held prizes earned her indifference was noted and held onto tightly by my heart. The times that I handed over the things I so proudly accomplished were met time after time with the heartbreaking silence broke my heart until it shattered. She was always there but she left me. I cry now wishing I knew why. Wishing I could have been the one she wanted. Wishing I wasn't the one that was different. I used to think she was just incapable of love but she loved them. I covered my eyes to hide the truth that it was me she didn't want. She made the choices right in front of me. She applauded them. She comforted them. She went to them. She left me. I am broken by it. By her unwillingness to see me. Scared so deeply that I have been broken beyond earthly repair. I carry the burden she put on me and will never escape it. Desperately I sought out her love and approval but honestly so broken before I reached double digits that I had turned cold. It's a sad thing to look in a mirror by 10 and know that you aren't loved. Seeing the cold and empty soul starring back at you. She left me but she left me long before the moment I never saw her again. An orphan that world couldn't justify. Heart torn apart every time I saw another person loved. It's a sad thing to know that love is what breaks a person. It's a sad thing that the simplest of affections makes me cringe because I never knew it as a child.

All these years later I'm still alone. Saved completely and loved desperately but alone. An orphan that doesn't fit. The one that was never chosen by the one that should have picked me first. The pain always there. It won't heal. Somedays it just won't hurt as bad. Other days the pain so raw it will crush me into pieces. Tears will stain my face. Forced into a curled up ball because the sadness is too much to bear alone. But no one can take the pain away. She left me. She marked me as unwanted and tore apart my soul so that no one would ever be able to fix it. Doomed to walk this world as a lost child. The only sweetness coming from the only place I ever been safe, the foot of the Cross. Where my savior was left alone and broken. The only place where there exists a chance for hope. That's my sweet redemption. That He never left. He stood there every time she turned away. Each time she broke me He caught me. Every time my heart was the causality of her games and her cold eyes told me the truth of how unwanted I was, He was there holding me together. Still He saves me and is the one there. Offering grace. Offering hope.

He is the place inside where my truest form exists. The only one that has seen how broken I am. How deep the damage is into my soul. He can see it all. He is broken with me.

She left me. Alone. Broken. Tore apart.
He came to me. Forgiven. Loved. Made new.

Only He and I know the words to the song left in my heart. Only He and I can see the pictures painted in my mind. Only He and I can read the words written across my soul. Only Him and me.